Downtime

Jun 18 2014   2:29PM GMT

Inject some Britishness into your life

charris Profile: charris

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English: A Union jack jacket.

English: A Union jack jacket. (Photo credit: Wikipedia)

David Cameron recently said he wants us to be less “bashful” about our Britishness. 


So, despite Britishness being a largely subjective notion that embodies different characteristics for different people – which are constantly changing and evolving, alongside our societal norms and values (get to the point, Ed.) – Downtime decided to compile a few thoughts on how technology enthusiasts might display a bit of Britishness in their own lives.
To get the ball rolling, we suggest you kidnap Stephen Fry, Duct-tape him to a chair and force him to record a quintessentially British answer phone greeting on your mobile in his mellifluous, trademark received pronunciation. 

If he co-operates, give him a cup of Earl Grey and a rich tea biscuit. If he refuses, why not utilise a British-themed method of torture? Threaten to smear Marmite over his eyeballs and shoot Lea & Perrins up his nostrils, while playing the GoCompare jingle full-blast on a stereo.
If he’s still reluctant, tweet “Millwall fans are POO POO HEADS!” from his Twitter account, throw him on the front lawn and run – fast. Then, film the ensuing assault on your iPhone before uploading the footage to Facebook as a nod to the charmingly British phenomenon of happy slapping.

Since you’re now complicit in several high-profile crimes, you’ve no choice but to follow in the footsteps of eminent Brits Ronnie Biggs and Lord Lucan by scarpering abroad ASAP. The good news is that, once you’ve reached Puerto Rico and written your best-selling Penguin Guide to Kidnapping Stephen Fry, it’ll be easy for you to dodge tax in true British style, like fellow Englishmen Gary Barlow and Jimmy Carr.

Now sit back in the sun, take a swig of Pimms and know that you’ve done Cameron and dear old Blighty proud – ideally to the sound of Elgar’s Nimrod.

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