SQL Server with Mr. Denny

Apr 13 2011   1:19AM GMT

Some job descriptions just have to be shared

Denny Cherry Denny Cherry Profile: Denny Cherry

So I’m going along doing my work thing, shrinking databases rebooting servers at random, etc. and I get an email some of which I’ve included below asking if I’d be interested in this job opening.  I’ve cut out the names, etc. to protect the stupid.

Below is the response that I sent back.

Industry Confidential
Location Palo Alto, CA
Job Title SQL Server DBA
Duration 03 month(s)(Possible Extension)
Profile/ Job description
  • The SQL Database Administrator is part of a data center team providing application and infrastructure support for a large healthcare engagement. The SQL Database Administrator is responsible for managing and monitoring database platforms which support multiple OLTP and OLAP applications. THE SQL Database Administrator will also be responsible for installing and configuring a high availability, and disaster recovery environments and planning upgrades and patches as required to maintain each environment.

Specific responsibilities will include:

  • Working experience with SLA’s
  • Monitor software database license process
  • Monitor performance activity
  • Familiar with Clustered environment and load balancing when required
  • Hands on experience with Mirroring, replication and recovery models
  • Hands on experience on performance monitoring and database counters
  • Manage technical action reports to resolve bugs/issues with DBMS software
  • Support capacity planning
  • Participate in implementing database strategies and solutions
  • Provide database maintenance activities
  • Monitor database logs for potential problems
  • Participate in planning software upgrades and patches
  • Provide outage resolution support and perform analysis to resolve recurring database issues
  • Install and configure DBMS
  • Provide database support for software development/application projects
  • Verify database backups have completed successfully
Basic Qualification:
  • 2+ years Database Administrator experience
  • 2+ years SQL 2000, 2005, 2010
  • 2+ years MCITP – Microsoft SQL 2008 Database Administrator
  • 2+ years MCDBA 2003/2005
  • Adaptive Server Enterprise Administrator professional certification
  • MCITP: SQL Server 2008 Database Administrator
  • MCDBA 2003/2005 Certification
Professional Skill Requirements
  • Operations Management
  • Project Management
  • Service Level Agreement (SLA) Management
  • Problem Solving and Escalation Management
  • Service Performance Management and Metrics
  • Estimation and Planning
Travel/Shift Hours/OT Requirements Minimal travel.

  • Work location is Palo Alto and candidates must live within a 100 mile radius of client site locations. Will require shift work and on-call duty and off-hours and weekend work as needed, as this project is a 24 x 7 support team.
Preferred Skills:
  • Detail Oriented
  • Quality and Process Improvement
  • Microsoft Office Proficient

If you would like to pursue this position, please reply to this e-mail and provide us details in following areas. Also, please attach a copy of your updated resume, in word format, elaborating your projects in tune with the client’s requirement. This will assist us in placing you with one of our clients.

Here’s what I sent back.

You should probably work with your client to get some actual requirements.

If you are going to list the Industry as “Confidential” you probably shouldn’t mention it in the job description.

There is no such thing as SQL 2010.
There is no certification as the MCDBA 2003.
There is no certification as the MCDBA 2005.

You want someone with way more than 2 years’ experience installing high availability and disaster recovery servers.

People with 2 years’ experience won’t have experience with mirroring or replication.  They probably won’t have much experience with server monitoring or looking at performance monitor counters (there is no such thing as database counters).  Someone with 2 years’ experience will have no idea how to open tickets with Microsoft, or how to work the Microsoft CSS support team to get the problems resolved.  The odds of someone with 2 years’ experience being able to correctly identify a new bug in the database engine is next to 0 (if not lower than 0).

It is barely possible for people to have the SQL Server 2008 certifications for two years.  They were only released a little over two years ago.  If someone only has two years’ experience with SQL Server, they probably aren’t ready to take the certification exams, much less the MCITP.

You are asking for a Sybase (Adaptive Server Enterprise) certification, yet you never mention Sybase anywhere in the job description.

Please learn at least something about the position you send out so that you don’t look like a total moron. Based on this job description I would NEVER allow you to represent me on any job posting. Open job positions are not high priority. Production servers being offline, that’s a high priority email. The government closing, that’s a high priority email. Family member is sick and in the hospital, that’s a high priority email. This is not.

And yes, this email was sent as a high priority email.

Denny

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  • AliRazeghi
    Yoo Denny, ty for answering all of my Index Internals Qs at the SQL Saturday 73 event. I was going to ask you about this when you tweeted but didn't want to bug ya, wow what a moron! Do they think because the job market is tough that 4 year olds can scribble scrabble this? I'd hate to work for that company because I can already imagine the office. A bunch of yes men and know nothing DBAs sucking up to bad middle management. How else do you let such a thing out? My God, no thank you!
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