Licensed by Ludovic Bertron under Creative Commons Attribution 2.0.

All month long, mainframe software vendor CA Technologies is hosting what it calls May Mainframe Madness 2012 (MMM2012). From its own description, the online event offers “more than 100+ valuable sessions, demos, papers and other valuable tools available over every business day in May.” Most of those tools are CA-specific but the idea of a month-long series of hour-long keynote addresses is highly appealing.

Registration lasts all month as well. You’ve already missed out on several days of mini-lectures, but coming up are talks on security management, CA’s DB2 database, storage management, Linux on System Z, MICS resource management and more. Though most of the speakers are CA employees, the varied topics will surely overlap somebody’s interests. The CA Mainframe Twitter account has been listing the sessions, but you can find a full list on their website as well.

And in case you’re in the market for a trip across the states, here’s a fun little list of other trade shows coming up in the near future. I’m not sure how the SpaceCraft Technology Expo made it into the IT list, but hey, you know I’m game for space tech.

 We’ve compiled a few of our favorite mainframe-related jokes and catchphrases from the Internet. Be forewarned that some are groaners, but if you’re a mainframer — or even if you’re not — you might just chuckle.

 Old mainframers never die. They just take a dump and re-ipl.

 Elvis and Jesus are editing their programs on TSO when the system crashes. Who lost his files?
Elvis, because Jesus saves.

 It might be a mainframe:

·         If you can fit a bed and mini fridge inside.

·         If the power supply is bigger than your car.

·         If the only “mouse” it has is the one living inside it.

·         If you need earth-moving equipment to relocate it.

 You might be a mainframer:

·         If the phrase “green card” doesn’t make you think of immigration.

·         If you think all computers belong on a raised floor.

·         If your definition of “bursting” has nothing to do with too much turkey on Thanksgiving.

 A systems programmer is at lunch with some data processing auditors. The waitress asks the sysprog what he wants to order. “Pork chops,” he says. “What about the vegetables?” she asks. The sysprog says, “Oh, they can order for themselves.”

 Now it’s your turn. Mainframers who want to ride the crest of the latest meme wave, send us your jokes and other, er, “sh*t mainframers say” by adding them via the comments button on this post.

 Send longer anecdotes or links to videos relating to mainframes and the folks who love them to SearchDataCenter.com site editor Tom Walat at twalat@techtarget.com so we can compile and share them with the masses.